Listening Now Blog

This is the last in our series on listening currency from Birdy Diamond.   Here Here to Birdy for such a beautifully drawn quartet of posts!!

Listening Currency: Your Contribution to the Listening Economy

Previously in this series, we’ve spoken about what Listening Currency is , when to spend it, and when to save it.  And now we come to the flip side of the coin: what are your contributions to the Listening Economy?

Are You Being an Asset or Just an Ass?

Charity begins at home they say, and the Listening Economy is no different. An excellent place to start looking at your contributions to the listening economy is by examining what comes out of your mouth.

Is it something someone would want to listen to?

Does it improve the world in some way for its having been said?

If not, is it truly necessary to be said? (Sometimes it is. More often, it is not.)

What Are You Supporting by Listening?

The corollary to that is: what are YOU listening to?

As we discussed in the first post in this series, your listening currency is a valuable thing.

Just as you spend money on the things you support in whatever way, so do you support the things you listen to by spending your listening currency on them.

So the question becomes: do you really want to support these things?

And if not – why are you listening to them?

What to Do

When you find yourself in a space of supporting something by your listening that turns out not to be something you want to support, the first and most important thing to do is to stop and take a breath.

Literally. Stop, take a few deep breaths, decide if you really want to be in that space, listening to what you’re listening to.

Then act accordingly.

If you decide to stay, then stay. That’s a valid choice.

But also be strong enough and willing enough to walk away.

Whether that means suddenly saying “You know, I don’t want to listen to this any more – can we find something else to talk about?” or physically walking away, have the strength of mind and character it takes to back up your words with action.

It’s good for you, it’s good for them, it’s good for the World.

Removing the Pollution

There’s a lot of pollution in the world today, and the world of sound is no different.

From literal noise pollution of the sounds of modern living to the less literal but no less deadly pollution of negativity in all its myriad forms, there is a lot of it out there these days.

So what can you do about it?

The biggest thing to stem the tide of listening pollution is to be careful about what you add to the mix yourself.

This isn’t about judgment, it’s about determining what’s best for you and then following through on those determinations.

And it doesn’t have to be perfect either. If you like horror films or CSI, then by all means, keep watching them.

Just be aware of the listening you are doing, and do your best to strike a balance between the negative and the positive.

The World Revolves Around the Sun, not You

Be aware of what your words do to others.

My husband speaks all the time of people coming into the bookstore where he works, full of whining, full of complaints, full of unreasonable demands.

He does the best he can with them, but their words and the fact that to keep his job he has to listen to them, make it very hard sometimes for him to treat the next person as well as he would like.

What would happen if those customers thought about the effect their words would have before they said them?

This isn’t about stuffing things that are harmful. This is about realizing that you are only the center of your own universe, not the larger one.

One Person’s Meat Is Another’s Poison

We are a world of individuals, with individual tastes, likes and dislikes. This is not the forum to discuss whether a particular one is right or wrong.

What is important here is that you remember to support what you love with your time, your listening, and your dollars. And that you also understand and remember that you have the right, some would say even the obligation, to vote with those forms of attention.

We don’t need censorship in this world so much as we need people willing to take a stand and only support the listening they want to support and simply release the rest.

Are you one of those people?  What can you do to become more of that kind of listener you want to be?  To add something positive to the  listening economy?

And with that, we come to a pause in the series. There is more to come – stay tuned here!

What would you like to see in this series? What questions do you have? Come visit us in the comments and let us know.

And finally – thank you so much for your time and attention!  I look forward to speaking with you again.

About the author: Birdy Diamond , aka ‘Question Lady’, blogs about Play, Story, Encouragement, and other such words of a feather over at An Encouraging Bird . Together with her husband, Mike Diamond, aka ‘Explorer Man’, they have created An Encouraging Diploma Kit , a tool for Giving Yourself Permission

I watched Freaknomoics the other night.  It’s based on the book of the same name and is a series of vignettes on various topics, all in some way, some very loosely at first glance, to be linked to economics.  I hated economics in both the degrees I did – I have a vague recollection of the J curve and my tutor Murray who had the most remarkable capacity to create a mass anaesthesia on a room full of 19 year olds with just the sound of his voice.

So to have someone attempt to make economics sexy and scintillating seemed to be task beyond human ingenuity.  Neverthless, Steven Levitt (the freakonomist) and Stephen J Dubner (the New York Times journalist) have kinda done it.

The vignette that caught my attention was the one about “Can a 9th grader be bribed to succeed?”  In it, two 14 year-olds are profiled as they particpiate in a Harvard Economics School experiment (I think they called it a “project” in the movie) on whether 9th graders can be successfully bribed to improve their grades.  Urail is successfully bribed – his grades improve from an average of Ds to an average of Cs.  Kevin is successfully unbribed and his grades remain at an average of Es. 

The scene that captured my attention is when Urail is talking with his mother about a particular school assignment.  He’s trying to tell her about the assignment and how he approached it.  He took what I would call an ingeniously lazy approach of not reading the entire book, but of reading the selective sections in it that the test or assignment were focused on.  His mother catches onto this zippity quick and tries to get him to own up to this nefarious approach.  She does this by repeating, over and over, and in increasing volume: “Did you read the book?”

As she repeats this question, Urail tries to wriggle away from it.  I see a great future in politics for Urail – for a 14 year old, he had remarkably deft capacity to not answer the question directly.

Not to be deterred, his mother keeps asking — louder and louder: “Did you read the book?  Did you read the book?  DID YOU READ THE BOOK? DID YOU READ THE BOOK?”  She verbally hounds the lad, unrelenting in her pursuit.

That scene upset me greatly.  There was an underlying violence to the exchange.  You certainly could not have called it ‘communication’ – nobody was listening.  Despite the verbal pursuit of her son, the mother provided no room, no space, no place for an answer.  All the stop signs to listening were there.

They were like two warriors on the field of battle – holding up their shields to deflect the “incoming” from the other side, and lobbing their grenades over to the other side.

Now I’m guessing that these two are accustomed to that kind of interaction.  It probably seems normal to them.  But to an outsider, watching them “talk”, it was disturbing.  What this exchange lacked was

• space.  Every inch of space was filled up with someone’s voice.  There was literally no room to move.
• opportunity.  Every possible opportunity for exploration and learning and growth was closed down.
• connection.  These two were “glancing” off one another, not connecting with one another. 

That’s not a conversation .  That’s a battle. 

And like all battles, there are casualties.  Not just in the breakdown of the relationship, but to the self-esteem and feelings of both parties, especially the one who is pursued (attacked). 

On a bigger picture level, casualties include the lost opportunities and possibilites that will never be explored.

True listening creates space, opportunity and connection.  If those things are not present, true listening isn’t either.  True listening is an act of great courage.  Perhaps it is the bravest thing any of us will ever attempt to do.

This is our third post in the series on Listening Currency from Birdy Diamond.  In the very first article in this series, Birdy introduced us to the idea of listening currency.  The second article in the series, Birdy gave us five times when we should ‘spend’ our listening currency.   

In this post, Birdy invites us to talk about twelve times when it’s better to keep your listening currency in the bank. (So to speak.).  Please enjoy the third in this series from Birdy Diamond!

 A Dozen Ways to Save

While I found twelve separate times to ‘save’ your listening currency, I also discovered that they all fell into one of two categories: Worldview or Static.

 Let’s deal with each group separately.

 Worldview

A great explanation for what this means is found in a post my husband, Mike, wrote in his post “What’s this Worldview Thing Anyway?”  He writes:

“Let’s put it this way – our worldview is how we see the universe. It comes from our education, our experience, our peers, and our leaders of all types.

It’s the filter through which our mind analyzes what input it gets. It’s our personal model of the universe. Our score sheet of what’s right, what’s wrong, and what belongs, or not”.

In relation to Listening Currency, it specifically refers to those people who have a worldview so much in disharmony with yours that to listen to them would not be helpful and perhaps would even be harmful.

Here are some examples of those kinds of people. 

1. Sovereignty-stealers

When people start talking to you in ways designed to compromise your sovereignty, keep your listening currency in the bank!

No one else is you, no one else has your unique set of circumstances, experiences, and beliefs, so no one else has as good an understanding of what is best for you than you yourself.

This is not to say that advice, occasionally even unsolicited advice, can’t be useful. It is to say to approach advice with extreme caution and a heavy filter, and to make sure that you only take in what is truly relevant and useful to you.

2. Negativity-broadcasters

In my opinion, there is far too much negativity in this world today. And for some bizarre reason, folks find it useful to spread this garbage around.

You certainly don’t have to to listen to this bombardment of negativity, and I suggest that you listen rarely, if at all. I don’t know about you, but I don’t need any help being depressed.

Whether it’s a general mood or coming from specific people, do your best to insulate yourself from it and keep your listening currency in the bank when you encounter it.

Great things have been achieved by people who refused to listen to the negativity around them. Be one of them! Know when to keep your listening currency in the bank.

3. Glass-half-empty People

Closely related to the Negatives, these people take great delight in telling you why things can’t be done,  or why things will fail.

There are so many possibilities for the derailment of your Dreams out there already, you don’t need to invite more by listening to this kind of person.

And people who tell you “It’s for your own good!” – ?

Run.

Fast.

It’s not.

Keep your Dreams safe! When such people come around – keep your listening currency in the bank!

4. Living la Vida Vicarious Types

These are the people that do little of their own living, preferring to get their joys from living others’ lives.

Not necessarily intentionally harmful, they can nonetheless cause problems by sucking up your time in endless discussions of what others are doing, and what they’d love to be doing themselves, ‘if only’. They can also have a tendency to want to live your life, instead of their own.

Have a strict Listening Currency spending limit with these people, or you may soon find yourself in their position.

5. The Endless Planners

A sub set of the Vicarious folk, these people plan and plan and plan, until everything is worked out perfectly – but there is no room for action, since inevitably before the plan can be used, something changes, and the cycle begins again.

I have to admit that my husband and I have been guilty of this one from time to time. It can be a hard one to get past, but a good time to keep your Listening Currency in the bank.

6.  I Dunno People

Found on both sides of the positive/negative spectrum, this can be another case of lost time.

While sometimes conversation can lead to actual solutions, more often it will lead to erroneous or incomplete information.

7. Endless Experts

A dangerous subset of the “I Dunnos” are the people who are expert on every subject, without reservation, whether they actually are or not.

It can be hard to tell whether or not you should listen to them, so remember to keep your Listening Currency on a strict budget with such people, and remember to use your discretion filters!

Static

The world is full of static today. And by that I mean the overwhelming amounts of information, media, entertainment, noise and general INPUT that is available to us in this modern world.

There’s so much of it that it can sound like and act like static unless we deliberately adjust our dial, tune in to what we DO want to hear, and listen.

In relation to Listening Currency, it refers to input we don’t need, or don’t want.

1. Too much information

We live in a world today that is just incredibly stuffed with information. There is no way we can consume it all, and we are asking for trouble if we even try.

So don’t.

Tune out the static of the world and only hone in on what is truly meaningful to you.There’s a lot going on out there, a lot more than any one person could ever hope to deal with.

Choose your listening points and let the rest go.

2. Not enough focus

Focus is key. This isn’t just for guarding against the negative, though that’s certainly a part. It can also be about letting positive, but non-relevant, information go as well. It’s about keeping your focus on what you want and need and not allowing distracting information to get you off course.

3. Too much knowledge, not enough doing

There comes a time when you need to stop learning and start taking action. Be aware of when that time comes, and when it does, resist the temptation to learn ‘just one more thing’.

That ‘one more thing’ can keep you in a place of endless education and zero action if you let it.

Don’t let it! Learn when it’s time to keep your educational listening currency in the bank & take action instead.

4. Looking for excuses

Sometimes, we can get so afraid of doing something that we intentionally torpedo ourselves by listening in places or to people that we know will bring us down.

Know when you’re in that danger zone, and learn what you need to do to protect yourself, so you can keep your listening currency in the bank at such times.

Let confidence be your by-word, not fear!

5. Chaotic environments

The world is very large and complicated these days. It can be all too easy to get lost in all the input.

Find ways to protect yourself from all the extraneous noise of modern life so that you can concentrate on what’s important, and spend your listening currency only when it is of value to you to do so.

Three Ways to Keep the Spending and Saving of Listening Currency in Balance

1. Use your discretion at all times. Take in only what you find of value. Be discerning about what you listen to, both in literal input and in what you allow to stay between your ears.

2. Have a balance of activity and rest to let yourself recover and digest your input. You can’t act on, or be in proper discretion about, information that makes no sense to you because you are overwhelmed or overtired.

As you need time to digest your food after a heavy meal, so too do you need time to mentally digest your listening after receiving a lot of information.

Give yourself that time to digest.

3. Plan your listening and your action to also be in balance. Listen and take action, both in turn. Make sure you have enough of both in your life to achieve what you want to achieve in life.

Too much or too little of either one can lead, at best, to a much more circuitous route to your Goals and Dreams.

To Sum Up

Worldviews where you should save your Listening Currency

1. Sovereignty-stealers

2. Negativity-broadcasters

3. Glass-half-empty People

4. Living la Vida Vicarious Types

5. Endless Planners

6. I Dunno People

7. Endless Experts

Listening Static where you should save your Listening Currency

1. Too much information

2. Not enough focus

3. Too much education, not enough action

4. Looking for excuses

5. Chaotic environments

Balancing Spending & Saving

1. Use descretion

2. Balance of activity and rest

3. Balance of listening and action

Next time, we’ll be talking about your own contributions to the Listening Economy.

About the author: Birdy Diamond , aka ‘Question Lady’, blogs about Play, Story, Encouragement, and other such words of a feather over at An Encouraging Bird . Together with her husband, Mike Diamond, aka ‘Explorer Man’, they have created An Encouraging Diploma Kit , a tool for Giving Yourself Permission

On 21 July 2003, Jamie Ramage murdered his wife Julie in their Melbourne home.   In “Silent Death”, Karen Kissane writes about this terrible tragedy with a unique blend of journalistic objectivity and human compassion. 

The story of how Jamie came to kill his wife of 23 years is startling, to say the least.  Not just because they seemed like such a normal couple on the surface, but because of the extraordinary events that unfolded in the weeks preceding Julie’s murder. 

In what is now seen to be a desperate attempt to keep his family together, although not perhaps for totally altruistic reasons, Jamie goes to see five, yes – f.i.v.e., relationship and marriage counsellors over the 3 week period preceding Julie’s death.  On one day alone, he drags Julie to see two separate therapists. 

At Jamie’s trial, these therapists are called as witnesses for the defence.  They are intended to be a testimony of Jamie’s devotion to his marriage, although it comes off more as desperation to retain some semblance of control.  Here’s the paragraph out of Ms Kissane’s book (p156) that had me sitting up ramrod straight in my chair:

“…how Jamie saw the counselling sessions is different to how Julie saw them, which is different to how the counsellors saw them….This story is riddled with miscommunications of Shakespearean proportions.  Does anyone ever really hear anyone else?”.

Does anyone ever really hear anyone else?  That statement rang in my brain for days.  We can learn all about “active listening” (a term I’ve come to loathe – mainly because it’s so easy to fake.  ‘Active listening’ has become part of management-speak where appropriate behaviour unsupported by genuine intention is rewarded)….but that doesn’t mean we know how to do it. 

• Even if we know the steps, the formula, the drill, on how to listen – do we ever really do it?  Are we ever able to put aside our own stuff for long enough, to clear our opinion-slates so that there’s enough room to hear someone else’s ideas, thoughts and feelings?
• Looking like you’re listening is not enough.  No amount of head nodding and ‘hmm-mms’ can mask insincere listening.  In contrast, true listening gets to the heart, the essence, the core of who you are.  It’s not just something you do, it’s who you are being.  One of the reasons that Jamie Ramage may not have been able to hear his wife during those counselling sessions was because he was so full of his own needs.  He couldn’t stem the sound of his own silent screaming in his head, to allow her voice to be truly heard.
• Listening doesn’t happen in a vacuum.  We must consider the context that surrounds and supports true listening.  Good listening sits on a foundation – of respect, of genuine care, of trust, of a sincere intention to clear the sound of your own voice and needs long enough for someone else’s to be heard.

True listening is where space is created, where you allow yourself to be changed by what you are hearing.  It is a gift to be listened to this way.  And although we all have the capacity to listen this way, I’ve observed that this kind of listening is extremely rare.  It was beyond Jamie Ramage to listen.

Our incapacity to listen may not end in such devestatation.  But a lack of true listening is its own form of violence.  I’ll pick up this theme again when I talk about Freakonomics – keep an eye out for that posting coming up soon.

For now, drop by the comments if you’ve any immediate responses to this post.  I’m interested, and I’m listening.