7 Stop Signs to Listening
Posted by Jill • Tuesday, 27-July-2010
We’ve talked a lot here about becoming a better listener. All fine and good. But sometimes, becoming a better listener is challenging, impossible even.
What are some of the things that get in our way to better listening? If we understand what these are, we may be in a better position to overcome them or avoid those situations that give rise to them in the first place. Awareness precedes choice, so let’s start with awareness.
What stops us from listening?
- Style. The style of communicating that the speaker is using rubs us the wrong way. They may be a blunt communicator, and we favour a softer approach. They may talk in terms of theory and concepts and ideas, and we want something more concrete. They may be directive in their language and we prefer to inform and gently guide. Whatever the differences in style are, they’re forming a gulf between you and the other person.
- Form. The way they talk drives us nuts. They may talk too loudly or too softly. They may talk too quickly or too slowly. They may have no variation in how they speak (monotone) or they may have so much variation it sounds ridiculous to you. The “formatting and punctuation” of their speech is getting in the way – they’re the human equivalent of a document that’s formatted in a way that you can’t stand (or at least find hard to read).
- Content. What they are saying is offensive or ludicrous or in some other way off putting to us. They may believe in astrology and you think it’s a load of bunkum. They may believe in evolution and you are a God-fearing Sunday church going regular. They may think ‘everything happens for a reason’ and nothing could be further from the truth, as you see it. Whatever it is they’re saying, you’re not falling for it. Very hard to truly listen when our own beliefs, attitudes and perspectives are getting in the way.
- Emotions. When we hold strong negative emotions, it can be hard to listen. These emotions might be about the other person, the state of the relationship, what they’re saying (content), the way they’re saying it (form or style), or their behaviour and choices. If we are really angry with someone or feeling betrayed or hurt, it can be almost impossible to focus clearly and accurately on what the other person is saying.
- Authority. We think we know “the answer”. This assumes there is an answer of course, and often there isn’t. There’s often just perception and opinion. But sometimes we are listening to someone and we just can’t help thinking “if only they would do X – it would solve this problem for them!” I’m not saying you aren’t right – you may be. Sometimes we know more than others. But believing we’re in a position of authority and dropping anchor on a solution before someone has finished speaking or processing their own thoughts and feelings acts as a very large road block to being able to listen to them.
- Capacity. We’ve reached maximum absorption levels – our sponge is full. There’s no room left to take in more information. This can happen when we’re listening to technical talk of a nature we’re unfamiliar with; after a certain period of time, we can give an imitation of listening but the words stop meaning anything to us – they roll right off. I know when my husband talks to me about the details of a particular Mustang (engine capacity, suspension, transmission and so forth) that I can’t take it all in. I either need to tell him that, or hope the expression on my face vaguely resembles ‘interested’ (which doesn’t feel particularly sincere or generous). When our capacity is reached, listening to the other person becomes impossible.
- Timing. This happens when the talker is ready but you as the listener aren’t ready to hear what they have to say. This happens to me a lot when I have a new idea or have made a decision and I want to share. Usually ‘right now’ is my preferred timeframe. I can’t always find an appropriately receptive listener at these times, I’ve discovered to my dismay. As the prospective listener, if you are totally focused on what you are doing, just heard some important news, or are rushing to get out the door – then an interruption in the form of an enthusiastic talker is unwelcome and can make it very hard to hear them.
This week, pay attention to what stops you from listening. Just sit with that awareness for now. Or if you like, you can ask yourself: Now that I’m more aware of what stops me from listening, what can I do about it?
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