Listening to grief
Posted by admin • Monday, 23-August-2010
Indy - where she loved to be. What a happy girl she was!
Our dog Indigo died last week. She drank some anti-freeze and was poisoned. It was a terrible accident. She was only 9 and had many good years left in her.
I miss her. The first time I drove into our driveway and she wasn’t there to greet me, with her happy smile and wagging taile, I thought my heart would crack open with the grief. This morning, a courier came to drop off a package – normally Indy would have warned me of his arrival long before the bell rang. And she would have been right there, making a bit of a nuisance of herself, dancing around us both, as he brought the box in.
Yesterday when I hung up the washing, I missed her company as she trotted down to the line with me and sat at my feet while I pegged up the laundry.
I even miss how she would howl at the wind at night time, shrieking out at some unseen menace or possible predator onto her territory.
The week leading up to her death was terrible. We knew she was sick but we didn’t know why until a few days beforehand — we just thought it was some mystery illness that had caused her kidneys to fail. There are some sounds I will never forget — the fear in my husband, Dan’s, voice when he told me the vet was holding her overnight. The sobbing of my mother as I told her the news of Indy’s death – my parents loved her, too. The uncontrollable grief Dan expressed when he told me she’d been put down. Awful sounds that you wish you didn’t ever have to hear.
I’ve also listened to the grief of my own heart and have cried as I’ve needed to. I’ve been blessed with wonderful friends who have said lovely things about what a beautiful dog she was, what a faithful and happy friend. No-one has said “oh, she was just a dog”.
We decided not to have a service of any kind for her. She was Dan’s dog and I was happy for him to choose what to do. But this is my memorial for her.
Our lives were better because she was part of it for 9 years. We will miss her terribly.
Indigo’s passing has had me reflect on how grateful I am to have my gorgeous pets. Well, even MORE grateful than usual. They enrich our lives and bring pure joy. I know Indigo did that for you and Dan. It’s ok to feel the pain and just be with it. As I swept up the long golden retriever hair from under my desk today, I smiled instead of grouching about it like I normally do. Our beloved hairy pets leave little signs of love all over the house!
My thoughts are with you Jill. I am so sorry about your loss.
Helen – love the idea of our fur babies leaving ‘signs of love’ around the house… I could build an entire new cat out of the fur Mango leaves around, so I should be swamped with love!
Mike – thank you.
So sorry for your loss, Jill. Our pets really do become such a big part of our lives – and our hearts.
What a wonderful tribute to Indigo. Thank you for sharing it.
Take care. Sending you hugs.
Marsha Stopa recently posted..Warning- Skipping breakfast consumes you
It’s really incredible how deeply our pets get connected into our hearts and souls. I’m so sorry to hear of your loss Jill.
And I also know how sometimes it’s hard to get back to writing in any way until we’ve written the one thing that just has to be said. Beautifully done.
SusanJ recently posted..Are you making it safe enough to succeed
Susan, Lisa and Marsha – thank you my Remarkable friends! Susan – you’re so right about writing the thing that needed to be said, at least for me. Marsha, thanks for appreciating the tribute – I worried it would be too sentimental. Lisa – you’re so right. My sister in law Catherine said that her dog Gabby is one of her best friends. I can relate to that!
Oh Jill, this is heart breaking. I’m so sorry for the loss of your dear Indigo. She was way too young, I’m sorry there wasn’t more time with her.
Sending big hugs and support from across the ocean.
Christine Martell recently posted..Stories from Africa
thank you Christine… oh, it’s been such an emotional week and so wonderful that people can relate to it. My beautiful friend Louise told me she took a week off when her wombat died. As sad as that was, it made me laugh, too. Thanks for the hugs!
Dear Jill
This breaks my heart.
I will give my beautiful dogs a cuddle for you Indigo.
Love Louise
Jill, this breaks my heart. Anyone with animals feels your pain. Thank you for writing about it. Love Louise
Jill, so, so sorry to hear about your precious love of a dog. we have two and my special needs daughter wouldn’t know what to do without either one! honestly, we would all be heart-broken to loose our dogs! you are wise to allow yourself to grieve…life is full of brokenness and unanswered questions and to deny our grief is to deny our humanity. this rainer rilke quote is one of my favorites about not having answers to all of the questions of life…
“…I would like to beg you dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.” – Rainer Maria Rilke in Letters to a Young Poet
Jorja White recently posted..Empower or Influence
Thank you Louise and Jorja — I love that Rilke quote and the living fully of our humanity. Including grief. And other stuff we don’t want to live. Louise – I knew you’d understand! Anyone with horses, dogs, cats, kangaroos, wombats and who knows how many other creatures large and small would understand…. (xxxx)
Oh God this is awful. I know I’m a bit late but my condolences. I love dogs (although I have a cat pretending to be human).
Pets are a part of our family so I know this is almost like losing a child. Will you get another? Maybe a puppy?
I know that one can’t replace another but I’ve heard that getting another dog right away helps.
Michelle